Tensai’s Sanctity

There would always be time in each and everyone’s life when you thought you really want something and would definitely make a better world if you were able to get it. The initial thing we do is make sure we get it as directly as possible from its source and accept every responsibilities that it would give… but not everything goes in our direction, no matter how we try to plan it and desperately yank to make a definite solution to the problem that you thought needed answers, but nobody really asks… that no matter hard we try to keep things the way we want them to be, the only option that we can choose is to let it go and try looking for something else, suitable to the situation and emotions that you can give.

Ladies and gentlemen, I finally came to a conclusion that no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try, I can never make my gift be accepted by someone, whom I know really deserved it. That even if I’m very much willing to give up everything I can, just to have this yanking, there’s no chance in hell that I’ll be able to push it through… that she is blinded by unimaginable blockage of smoke covering her sight towards me, every road is winding and every light is blinding… that even if I tell it directly that I’d die for her, she won’t believe it…

At this point I should probably say the name already because I’m already in my process of letting go… I tend to keep myself from that one thing that is making me and breaking me until the point of total reformatting of my mind and emotion… but not right now… of all people, she continues to be my highest of heaven inside the darkest of hell. She’s my greatest savior from the grievances of the world but also my downfall when all is going great. She’s a paradoxical zeal that I believe I’ll always have no matter what, someone I can’t live with but I can never live without.

Now, most of you will tell me that after all I’ve been through, why stop now? After all the hoping I gave, all the tears I almost dropped, all those times I made you bore to hell because of my sweet nothings I keep on saying about her, and after the extreme emotion that I spent and shown to the point of you guys not knowing who I am anymore… why in the name of earth do I stop now? The answer to this is because I HAVE to… not because I want it, and not because someone else told me to stop wanting it, but simply because I have to… I came to that certain level of wanting that because I love her so freaking much, I have to let the feelings go…

I don’t know if she actually reads my stupid blog since I never tell her to take a look at it, and honestly, I don’t know if I want her to or not… Anyway, it’s not the point. As I have said and always said, I got that passion for her like no other and I don’t believe that anyone could even get close to what I have for her… unfortunately, she just can’t provide with the same emotion… Right now, I am happy because she exists… that I’m feeling good because I know no matter what, I won’t lose her, and she definitely will never lose me! The concept of “I’d rather have her as a friend than to never have her at all in my life” is currently taking its effects. I slowly, but surely, realize what this statement really means… That as long as you love someone, no matter what, you will always love them regardless if they return the same favor or not…

It’s funny how things are going right now… I’m very open to her as she is to me… We talk about it as if it’s just another walk in the park or just another meal that we have to take… and of course, anyone that knows me should know that I could be the most annoying person in the world if I feel like it… and I sometimes use the situation to annoy her, and it works! Especially when I make her look clueless… but even so, one can never deny the fact that I’d rather have it the way I always sought it to happen…

Anyway, enough with this crap… I’m going to have to work on this to make it happen… and I’m telling you guys, it will never be easy! Just let it all come, what ever will be will be!!!

Change is a phenomenon that nobody in this world can ever overcome, no matter how each and everyone of us try… Some of us wish that change doesn’t come, some do… At this point in my life, I’m wishing for both…

OK… I know a lot of people(including the person supposed to be reffered to) saw what was supposed to be the next blog that I’ll be writing here but after a few recollections and enduring a lot of things happened these past few days, I decided not to publish the said piece… I’ll just let the people who read it remember it then afterwards forget it as time passes and let change do its work…

In just a matter of days, change had played a major role in me… It came after me emotionally, physically, mentally and even in proffessional aspect… All happening before my 23rd year of existence… Only a few people know about it because only a few people were allowed. A situation at work and an occurance in my physicallity, both alarming in their own perspective. But even so, the most that I’m really thinking about is my emotional change… not only to THE ONE person I’m dying to have for all eternity but to other people as well. I just recently blasted my farewell note to the people I’ve been with for over a year and I didn’t expect the reaction that I got… I did’t expect people to approach me, tell me that my note touched them a lot (basically because I didn’t really put any drama on it and just made it as I normally do, annoy the majority…) and some I didn’t expect and I can’t even imagine that I’ll make them shed tears in their eyes… A funny and yet touching experience for me. I didn’t know I was loved that much! I just wish I’m being deeply loved by the one person that really counts the most… Well, not to boast or anything like that, but I do think she loves me in a way, but not the way that I do to her…

I was thinking not to tackle this one again but what the heck…

As I was looking for a new nest to dwell, I found myself being carried under the wings of the one that I always wanted and dreamed of carrying me… She helped me make sure that I will not be astray by the time my 23rd year of existence comes… At this moment, I really awe a lot to this person… But this gives me anxieties as well… She may be helping me with my current situation but I can’t help thinking… "Is this helping me to get closer, or am I putting myself in jeopardy?"

As each day passes, I started realizing what my friends were trying to tell me since day one… Do not expect much and just enjoy the feeling while it lasts… But as I learn this, no matter how I try doing this, IF that day comes that I really have to let go due to reasons beyond my control, will I ever be able to accept the CHANGE? A change that has haunted me ever since and I never want to happen even in my dreams! Sure I said "I’d rather have her as a friend than to never have her in my life at all" in my past blogs but in reality, I can’t let go because I don’t want to let go! This brings me to my grievances and frustrations… What in God’s green earth can I ever do to make my fantasy a reality? Will she forever be just a dream? Will I ever get to the heaven that I always wished to be in and be in that sanctity that I created in my own personal world?

If there is one change in the world I want to have, it’s going to be her perception towards me… As I told a friend, only God knows how much I’m willing to do and to give just for the love of her! ALright, it sounds cheesy and I really hate being one, but it’s true! I really would go wherever she will go, I want to be the air that she breathes and to be the joy in her downfalls… I want to be right beside her when she needs comfort the most, be the ground that she steps on to move ahead, be the water to refresh her anxieties, be the sun to light up her dark moments, and be the world that she always wanted… and as the late Luther Vandross would say, "I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else…" That I’ll be there for her when the whole world is against her, be her shield to any harm, her sword for her defense, and her horse to lead her battles…

But all these have to wait… Let time be the judge and do the CHANGES… I can only wish and hope… Pray for the fulfillment of my reverie…

Change The World (Eric Clapton)

If I could reach the stars I’d pull one down for you
Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth
That this love I have inside is everything it seems
But for now I find it’s only in my dreams

CHORUS:
That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world