Tensai’s Sanctity

If you were reading the last blog I wrote, you should have an idea why the title is like this… Basically, anyone who sees me everyday have seen a little improvement since I started acting out of this world. My officemates saw how Roland can actually be when he is in a state of downfall, but even so, he tries not to let anyone know why he’s like that. Same with myt closest of friends. I’m not sure but I think it was the first time that I’ve shown them my inner being when not exactly "in the good mood." I remember back in high school, nobody really gives a damn about what I think and how I feel because back then, I was an absolute, one hundred and one percent freakin’ geek. I even got to a point where I wanted to give up and just let it all out in the world, not to the point of ending it all ofcourse… I love myself too much to do something like that.

I guess in a way, I’m still that same person… The freakin’ nice guys that good, charming girls like but never to love… I guess from Mick Foley’s blog I was reading just recenty, I’m the "safety net" of all the girls I know. They are comfortable bweing with me, comfortable with me being touchy and all because they think I can’t do them any wrong and they think I won’t fall for them or something. Problem is, most often than not, I fall for the girl faster that you can say "notebook at aklat." Most girls I know trust me so much and they all like me… Ooopsss, there goes the word "like" again… The one that I never run out but never can convert it to something better… this makes me think of a certain someone back in college…

She was a free section classmate or our who got so close to me that she would tell me whatever she would want to tell me. At first I wasn’t that much in to her since another friend of mine decided to hit on her. You see, I’m not the type who would come up to a friend and say "can you leave this one to me?" So being the nice guy that I am, I gave in… I was her "source" about my friend, whom by the way belongs to those assholes and jerks that I was telling in my last blog… A freakin’ Kiss and Tell guy who would even tell if he was able to hit homerun with a certain girl, regardless if we know the girl or not… Anyway, since I kinda liked the girl that time, I kinda pushed her back to somehow "save her" from my friend. After a year, where my friend already stopped (just about three weeks i think) I told my friend if it’s just fine with him if I try my luck on the girl… again, being the nice guy that I am, he immediately say yes… So, I started with my stinking techniques on how to get THE girl… at first it was doing fine… I was even getting love texts from her and of course I’ll exchange with some of my own… then the time came when we had to watch this freakin stage play because our professor (by the way, by this time we’re not classmates anymore) told us to watch it… I tried texting her and then asked her if we could go together… Now, the next few lines would be how the texts went and how I remembered them… "Hey! I was wondering, since you said you won’t be with your friends and I wont be with mine, can we go together for the play?" then she replied "Sorry, nakapag-promise kasi ako sa isang friend ko na sabay kami" It was fine to me at first since it was a friend, whether its a he or a she but the next reply got me… So I asked "If you don’t mind me asking, who’s he/she" she replied "its a he, and he’s my ex." So from there I stopped texting… The day came, luckily I was with a few of my classmates, then I saw her with the guy… She was looking at me, then I looked straight, directly to her eyes, sending the message "you will regret what you let slip away." and then we never texted again… and I came to the point where I was plunking my subjects and nobody could talk to me… Good thing I came out from my senses and was able to pull it through the final grading… The next sem, I saw her again, and she didn’t look like the girl I used to know… My friends were actually the ones who first noticed… One even told me "Ba’t ganun sya? parang namamangit yata? nagyoyosi na rin ngayon?"

Although it felt like a small payback in a way, I didn’t really thought of it that way… I was thinking if she gave me a chance, I’ll make sure it will never happen to her… Me being a NICE guy and all that… which brings me back to my original topic… I’m a bit better now with me and the girl having a gtreat bonding and friendship, but still it bothers me… How come I have to stop here and just be her friend when I can guarantee the world that i can give her more than what she’s getting right now if she just give me the go signal? Again with the anxieties, but i can’t really help it… I know I haven’t really told her I LOVE HER using those exact words but from the gestures, actions, and world I give her, they are actually more than just saying I LOVE YOU… I want to directly tell it to her face and shout it out in whatever or wherever place we are in and let all the people around know how much I feel for her… But sadly, I can’t… I’m afraid she’ll leave me… It may sound stupid, martyr and corny but "I’d rather have the girl as a friend and be continuosly hurt than to never have her in my life…"

OK… I guess I’m gonna have to stop here for the moment… I’m supposed to be sleeping by this time now since I still have work later… But I’m sure going to continue this one the next time I log in… I just hope by that time I’m already better…

Now, I know nobody really reads the crap that I write because nobody in their right mind would actually waste their time reading someone else’s blog when you’re too busy making your own… but just for the hell of it, and because I can’t think of a poem right now… I decided writing one…

As usual… it’s the typical "I give up everything just for the love of you but to no avail" story. I fall for someone, be close to that person, then I say my killer line, and then boom! I kill everything!!! And it has been haunting me for quite some time now, making me think… am I capable of loving and being love? (there goes my hopeless romantic side acting up again…) but seriously… I’ve been asking myself… what the freakin’ hell is wrong with me? Am I that unattractive to not be liked? Am I too weird not to be interesting? Am I too nice of a guy to be wanted? Am I too much of a GEEK that nobody responds to my yearning? If I am, please… somebody tell me I am all of these things so I won’t be making my self looking like an idiot, trying to show someone that I love her without getting any lovin’ back to me! I don’t even know what to call me anymore! I’m worst than being hopeless romantic right now because I’m becoming furious and frustrated… and yet I don’t want people to see me that way… I’m even willing to have a freakin’ one-sided love relationship with someone, whom I know, the closest that I could ever get is to be like a brother to her… I’m currently stuck in several pathetic songs that I can possibly think of just to tell myself that "hey! You’re not the only one feeling this stupid feeling…" but it doesn’t work… I even think of songs with the "sour grape" attitude to make me feel better, but still don’t work… and one thing bothers me and have also made me think off my heels… How come guys who are freakin’ assholes can easily get in and out of relationships? That even though girls know that he is in fact an asshole, they go for him and can’t let go once they got him? Often times, I can’t understand this freakin’ world! I don’t know if I’m being disliked because I’m too nice or is it because I am not an ass like the other male species out there… I’m beginning to think and tell myself, go ahead and be an asshole because girls like it if you’re an asshole! but then again, I can’t… I can’t find it in my heart to be one because I can never be a jerk, especially to someone I love… So I guess I’m stuck being the loser that I am… or maybe I need to go to that "Band Camp" in the movie American Pie and find those geeks and be one of them… or maybe I’m already one of them, I’m just not joining them…

I don’t know… it’s really making me stupid to write this but I’m actually loving it… being a writer by heart makes me think I should write something just because… anyway, I don’t want to exploit too much on my situation, so just think of this song by Jason Mraz… I really like this one, as well as the color… and lastly, I hope the girl I’m reffering to never get to read this… But just in case, please try to understand… I’m just upset… I mean, we’re still FRIENDS right? Plus, I know I really haven’t said it directly but… I’m freakin’ addicted to you and I LOVE YOU, YOU FREAKIN’ BEAUTIFUL CREATION OF THE DIVINE BEING!!!

"Geek In The Pink"

Well, let the geek in the pink take a stab at it
If you like the way I’m thinkin’ baby wink at it
I may be skinny at times but I’m fat fulla rhymes
Pass me the mic and I’m a grab at it
Well, isn’t it delicious, crazy way that I’m kissin’
‘Cause baby listen to this, don’t wanna miss it while it’s hittin’
Sometimes you gotta fit in to get in
But don’t ever quit cause soon I’m gonna let you in but see

I don’t care what she might think about me
You can vibe without me if you want
I could be the one to take her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn’t be a let down
But sugar don’t forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don’t judge me by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

I’m  the geek in the pink
Like the geek in the pink, pink, pink
The geek in the pink, yeah

Well this relationship fodder don’t mean to bother nobody
But Cupid’s automatic musta fired multiple shots at her
Because she fall in love too often that’s what the matter
At least I talk about it keep a pattern of flattery and
She was starin’ through the doorframe
Eyeing me down like already a bad boyfriend
Well she can get her toys outta the drawer then
Cause I ain’t comin’ home I don’t need that attention, see

I don’t care what she might think about me
You’ll get by without me if she wants
I could be the one to take her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn’t be the let down
But sugar don’t forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don’t judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

Hey baby look at me go
From zero to hero
You better take it from a geek like me
I can save you from unoriginal dum-dums
Who wouldn’t care if you com…plete him or not

So what I’ve got a short attention span
A coke in my hand
Because I’d rather have the afternoon, relax and understand
My hip hop and flip-flops it don’t stop with the light rock
A shot to mock you kinda puts me in the tight spot
The hype is nothing more than hoo-ha so I’m
Developing a language and I’m callin’ it my own
So take a peek into the speaker and you’ll see what I mean
That on the other side the grass is greener

I don’t care what she might think about me
You’ll get by without me if you want
I could be the one to take you/her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn’t be the let down
But sugar don’t forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out/on
We could be the talk across the town
Don’t judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

Like the geek in the pink
Well, I’m the geek in the pink, yo pink pink
Geek is the color for fall, I’m the geek in the pink yeah
So I’m the geek yo, in the pink yo.
Hahah, y’all geek is the new color for fall
I’m the geek in the pink