Tensai’s Sanctity

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pinoysitensai.wordpress.com

Last Saturday, I went to Trinoma to attend a forum about back packing, and I was able to find out some interesting facts…

I got the opportunity to meet two outstanding Filipinos, Jetro Rafael and Robert Alejandro.

I think they are worth the title “outstanding” because of their capabilities of making something possible, when everyone else thinks it’s not, and even with a tight funding.

I was really amused with this two people because they were able to accomplish something big, even if there were a lot of odds in the way. The task was they will tour the whole South East Asia and some parts of China in a limited time, and limited money.

Kahit na medyo sumablay kami sa pagpunta dahil walang nakakaalam ng lung anong oras magsisimula yung forum, kahit papaano may naabutan pa rin naman. Buti na lang din kakilala ni Marie at AGO (mga kasama ko sa V4CHANGE, Ka-Friendster at Ka-Multiply ko rin) yung dalawa (Nakasama ni Marie si Robert Alejandro sa PROBE, at nakilala naman ni Ago si Jetro Rafael sa isang film shooting) so medyo may napala pa rin kami sa pagpunta namin doon.

We just proceeded to the showing of the video package of their journey through Asia and they were showing just about everything that they have done, all the hardships they had to endure, and the expenses that they had to take. Overall, it was a nice video to watch, not only because they were showing places from other parts of the world, but because of the inspiring story behind the task.

Pagkatapos nun, medyo may konting usapan at kamustahang naganap, although medyo na-OP ako ng konti, ayus lang dahil at least, nakilala ko naman yung dalawa kahit na papaano.

Maganda siguro na tularan ang mga ito, hindi man sa paglalakbay, ngunit sa ibang bagay na rin. Pwede silang gawing inspiration para sa mga pangyayari sa buhay natin, lalo na sa mga isyu ng bayan natin. Gawan ng paraan ang mga bagay na sinasabi ng karamihan ay imposible, at siguraduhin natin, lalo na dyan sa mga kapwa ko kabataan, na imbes na nagrereklamo tayo kung bakit kulang kulang ang bansa natin… kulang sa disiplina, kulang sa alaga, kulang sa pagkain, kulang sa kalinga ng gobyerno, kulang sa edukasyon, kulang sa pera, kulang sa paligo, kulang sa pansin, kulang sa pansit, o kulang man sa height, mas maganda na may ginagawa tayo para sa mga kakulangan na yan. Tulad nga ng sinabi ni Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, “You must be the change that you want to see in the world.” Na ang ibig sabihin, kesa magreklamo ka kung bakit ang buhay mo ay miserable dahil walang tumutulong sayo, ikaw na mismo ang tumulong sa sarili mo. Kesa magmukmok ka sa isang tabi at panay ang tanong kung bakit hindi kumpleto and koleksyon mo ng albums ng Eraserheads dahil wala kang pambili, ikaw na mismo ang kumilos. At kesa maghintay tayo ng mga kasinungalingan na na-promise satin ng mga pulitiko, tayo na mismo ang gumawa. Dahil sa totoo lang, nakakaawa ang mga taong panay lang ang dada sa daan, pero sya mismo, pag-uwi sa bahay, ay wala rin namang ginagawa para sa ikabubuti ng lahat.

Bottom-line, make sure that you are the change that you want to see and always believe that everything is possible. Walang imposible sa isang Pilipinong naniniwala sa pagbabago.

Isang katagang napakadaling sabihin, ngunit hindi lahat ay may gustong magsabi at ipangalandakan sa buong mundo na HOY! PINOY AKO!

Ano nga ba ang basehan ng pagiging tunay na Pinoy? Natural na unang masasabi ay dapat nasa dugo mo ito at dapat lamang na hindi mo itinatago ang totoo mong pagkatao…

But then again, lots of Filipino people are somehow dictated by time and society. Ops! Bago ko ituloy ang nais kong sabihin, malamang ang mga kapwa ko pilosopo ay biglang magtanong ng “Akala ko ba Pinoy ka? Ba’t di nagta-Tagalog?” Una, huwag nyo’ng ipagpilitan na Tagalog ang pambansang wika natin at baka sugurin kayo ng mga Kapampangan, Cebuano, at Ilokano… Filipino po at hindi Tagalog ang National language natin, na binubuo ng samu’t saring salita na sumasalamin sa ating nakaraan. Kasama ang Tagalog, English, Spanish at sa ngayon, mga salita na galling sa teknolohiya na medyo imposibleng Tagalugin. Going back to what I was saying, Filipinos have this tendency of becoming slaves of what society and media are feeding them. Siguro dahil na rin sa hirap ng kalagayan natin, marami sa atin ang gustong umalis na lang, kesa manatili pa sa bansang kinagisnan.

May isang blogspot sa ngayon na tumawag ng atensyon ko… Sa URL pa lang nagtatanong na ang may likha…

www.pagodkanaba.blogspot.com

May isang entry dun na kahit title lang ang mabasa mo, tatamaan ka na agad. Isang katanungan na bumagabag sa akin at malamang ay isang katanungan na kanya ring itinanong sa sarili nya.

“Pagod ka na ba’ng maging si Juan?”

Ano nga ba’ng dapat na isagot?

Confusion suddenly rushed in to my mind and the question became swarms of mad locusts in my mind, trying to desperately get out of my head. I never expected that I’ll be highly affected by such question, and the patriotism within me just burst out like the sun, but seemingly no flame returned…

I started thinking… Am I tired of being a Filipino?

Sa dami ng taong nasabihan ko na isa ako’ng patriot, ngayon ko lang naisip na sa lahat ng ginawa ko at mga balaking nais gawin, kakayanin ko pa ba na magpatuloy kung mismong ang mga taong nakapaligid sa akin ay unti-unti nang kinakain ng pangarap na lisanin ang Pilipinas, at sa bawat usaping buhay na naririnig ko, ang katagang madalas lumabas ay “Wala na tayo’ng pag-asa.”

Nakakalungkot na lang din isipin na may mga taong nagtatago ng sarili nilang katauhan para lamang ipagtakpan ang totoo nilang pagkatao. Tulad na lang ng mga nabasa ko sa libro ni Bob Ong na “Bakit Baligtad Magbasa ng Libro and mga Pilipino?” Nabanggit doon na may mga Pilipino sa ibang bansa na nagpapanggap na iba ang bayan na kanilang pinaggalingan, para lang masabing cool sila.

Come to think of it, we have tons of people like that inside our own country!

Sila yung mga taong panay pilit mag-English para lang masabing cool sila, kahit alam naman ng lahat ng nakakarinig na sablay ang pagkaka-banggit ng mga salita… Pasintabi sa mga natural mag-salita ng English, hindi kayo ang pinatatamaan ko kundi yung mga tinatawag nating “Trying Hard” at “Posers”. Sila yung mga taong gugustuhin mo’ng isumbong sumbong kay bonggang-bonggang Bong-Bong.

Another frustration of mine (and there goes the word again), is how come people refuse to help their fellow Filipino to move forward just for their personal gains? From my experiences being a volunteer, I saw people being manipulated and exploited just because some people just don’t want to pay for labor. I’m talking about the Dumagats and the illegal loggers in Montalban Rizal. Good thing we were able to at least, slowly but surely, make them realize that they have so much potentials in them and they don’t need to be slaves of this kinds or oppression.

Siguro pasalamat na lang din ako sa grupo namin at kahit papaano, naisip ko na hindi pa nga ako pagod maging Pilipino, at namulat ako sa maraming katotohanan sa mundo. Siguro hangga’t may mga taong nagpapasalamat sa akin at mga taong napapasaya namin sa bawat tulong na naibibigay namin, babalik at babalik ang kagustuhan ko na manatiling isang Pilipino at ipag-patuloy ang laban para sa pagbabago. Sana nga lang, dumami rin ang mga taong kumikilos para sa pagbabago at hindi lamang nakatunganga sa isang tabi na panay lang ang tanong kung bakit sila miserable.

I’m not tired of being Filipino because I am a volunteer for change…

http://profiles.friendster.com/v4change

As I’ve said in some of my past blogs, there’s always a reason for everything. That in anything we do and everything that happens to us, whether it’s big or small, reasons would always be there. Logically speaking, we will not be doing something if there’s no reason to it.

Naalala ko tuloy one time nung nakikipagtalo pa ako sa isang kakilala ko. I told him the cliché about reasons but he replied “hindi rin…” Since medyo mataas ang level ng pagiging pilosopo ko ng mga panahon na yun, pinatulan ko naman yung sinabi nya. Sinabi ko na imposibleng wala syang dahilan sa mga bagay na ginagawa nya. Na ultimong pagtulala nya sa kawalan ay may dahilan, at lahat ng mga bagay na nangyayari, problema, kasiyahan, panahon, at oras, hindi mawawala ang dahilan.

But even though I believe this theory, I still sometimes see myself seeking answers to questions that I can’t seem to find. Sa di malamang kadahilanan, may mga pagkakataon ako na nagtatanong kung bakit ba nangyayari ang mga sitwasyon sa buhay ko… Kung bakit pagkatapos ng kolehiyo ay di ko pa rin makuha ang pinapangarap na tagumpay, bakit makalipas ang walong taon, di pa rin ako makahanap ng matatawag na girlfriend, kung bakit sa loob ng walong taon na yun, limang sunud-sunod akong nabasted, kung bakit may mga taong nagagawa ang lahat ng bagay na gusto nila samantalang sa akin kailangan ko pa na paghirapan ang lahat ng bagay bago ko makuha ang gusto ko, at marami pang iba. Sometimes I think that everything in this world is also unfair… Just like what I have said, “Life sucks and then you die.” That whatever I do, no matter how much I persevere, and no matter how many blood and sweat I lose, everything will always go back to square one… that nothing that I do would matter because other people would always get what they want, but I won’t.

Frustration… Another word I seemingly love using. And the thing about this word is that it always shows up whenever I’m asking for reasons. Nakakapikon na lang minsan kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng tao sa mundo, bakit para yatang ako lang ng ako ang napuputukan ng mga di kagandahang pangyayari. Iniisip ko minsan, para saan na lang ang mga ginagawa ko’ng pagtulong sa kapwa, kung wala rin naming mangyayari sa buhay ko. Na kahit anong gawin kong pagbubuhat ng semento sa Gawad Kalinga, paglinis ng Arocerros Park, pag-akyat ng bundok patungong Malasya, pagtulong sa mga katutubo, pagsama sa mga alay lakad, pamamahagi ng dugo sa Red Cross, o ang simpleng pagtulong sa mga kabarkada, sa bandang huli, matapos ang mga pasasalamat na natanggap ko, pareho lang din naman ang mangyayari sa hinaharap… na wala rin naman akong mapapala.

Naisip ko, minsan na itigil na lang ang mga pagpapakabayani ko dahil parang wala rin naming nagiging resulta. I’m just making things harder for me in a way that I keep on giving, but never get anything in return… that being a good person to the majority will bring me nowhere because most of the rich inhabitants in the world are the wicked people, so why even do good?

But then again, I’m thinking of all those things that I’ve done in the past. That if I didn’t take those decisions and make those actions, would I be the same person I am today? Would I be the same human being that my friends appreciate, the same person that those indigenous people are grateful to, the same brother to my fellowmen, and the same man to those people in need? I guess that’s the reason that I’m looking for after all, that if all of those negative things didn’t occur, you will not be looking at the same blog, the same person and the same friend that people have always known me. And with this, I’ll continue being me and the helpful things I’ve done, and then just wait for whatever reason that would be given to me, because in the end, no matter what happens, we all just have to keep moving forward and create good changes for ourselves, and others as well, no matter how hard and frustrating things may be…

The title of this post is not exactly what’s happening to me right now, but I like the song… Heck, I like almost all of Mraz’s songs!

“Lucky”
(Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat)

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

As I again try to grasp the things that enfold me, I see myself, again yanking for deliverance, to reach for the gemstone that has long been forgotten, that suddenly came out, blazing with its gleam. I started walking once more and try to see for myself, if the jewel is real and I can behold its radiance, the gem that has kept me lingering for eternity, but seemingly light-years away from my reasoning. I ask the omniscient if he could spare me some actuality, so I could finally take clutch of the wanted entity, but blurriness took over and haze came falling, I am alone for now, to seek for reality. The jewel is up there, somewhere in the clouds. It’s asking me to fetch and take a hold of its splendor. Seemingly scorning me to come forth its sanctity, I begin another journey to search for my convalescence.

Here I go again with my rants and frustrations…

Yesterday, while I was minding my own business at home, one square-shaped, white thing took my attention. It was Bob Ong’s white book “Stainless Longganisa.” Naturally, being a big fan and all, I started rereading the thing and found myself wanting to be a writer once again… Now don’t get me wrong here, I really want to become a writer. I want to see my name on a reading material, my name on the bookshelves of bookstores and I want to have people looking at my work. But for some reason, I couldn’t seem to get enough inspiration to do it… Sure I can write blogs and poems but I don’t think what I have right now is enough for me to create something really interesting that people would actually want to read it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m just really lacking self confidence or I’m just being stupid but I can’t seem to find it in me to continue the plan that I’ve posted a few months back.

I’m also pretty much preoccupied with a lot of stuff… One thing is my health issues… that even though I’m only twenty five, I’m already having problems with my cholesterol level, to the point where I have to watch what I eat now, otherwise I’ll end up being dizzy and discombobulated… that even though I’m going to the gym, it seems not enough for my body. Right now I’m already eating less carbs and less cholesterol so at least I won’ be having my head spinning once again. Another is what I wrote to my blog the other day, that even though things are going my way, I’m not really sure on what to do next. As I’ve said, all situations would probably make me elated, but I think jubilation would have to wait because everything could still end up blowing to my face, which is never a good thing…

In the end, of course everything will rely on my decisions… but it would sure help me a lot if signs would be there to direct me to the path of what I’m seeking to ensue. And I hope they come fast or I might blow up my mind in to smithereens, and basically lose everything in the process

Things are becoming very different as of late as my life started shifting from the slow-paced, silent mode to something old, and yet new feeling. For some reason, things have started to go my way and everything seems too good to be true… (Somebody slap me… please!) I’m just not sure if I’m going to be happy about the developments that are happening or do I keep my hopes down for the moment and just try to examine the scenes that are currently presented to me. Positives are coming out from nowhere and are placed just right in front of me… but the problem is not because I’m not capable of picking them up, but because I just don’t know which to pick up. (Perplexity on the rise here) Good things are there right now within the reach of my hands, and yet, I don’t know if I should take a grasp of one thing, or do I choose the other. One is certain though, that each one of them will provide different situations and different effects… All will be great, but I’m just not sure which would be better. And oh, another thing… (Story of my life) I don’t have any form of certainty to each one of them… There’s always the tendency of either being elated in to the highest levels of heaven, or end up losing everything and hit rock bottom. For now I’ll leave things anonymously until I’m certain of what I want to do. (If you want, pwede rin sa text… hehehe!)

I don’t exactly know what to feel right now because a lot of emotions are getting in to my head and chest that I never imagined possible of happening… Friday night, May 23^rd to be exact, I received an unexpected, but highly hoped, message from someone whom I thought would never contact me ever again. Krystal’s name, after 2years of no communication, finally popped up on my mobile screen. Well, actually I sent her a mail two weeks ago on her other address and gave her my number… It wasn’t really unexpected but rather optimized… So there I was on a Friday night, preparing my mattress so I can go to sleep, when suddenly, my Nacho Libre message tone took my attention, and low and behold, I got a message from Krystal, telling me that she just got my mail Thursday morning and that she lost her phone before, practically the main reason why I never got to contact her this past few months via cell phone…

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Naturally, of course I’d be happy since I’ve been trying to reconnect with the girl for quite some time now, and wanting to be with her as much as I possibly can. All the while that we were exchanging messages, I was elated with insurmountable joy in me, I even told her that I want to go to Nueva Ecija so I could see her face to face once again, when the cruelty of reality finally pulled my feet down in to the pitfalls of dejection… As we were exchanging messages, I asked her if she’s already seeing someone… She said she has a boyfriend right now and they have been together for two years, the same two years that I let slip past me… That’s the time that I felt regrets rushing though my whole body. I felt like hitting rock-bottom so fast, I couldn’t even think of getting up. At that point, I was thinking that there I was, supposed to be having one of the greatest days in my life, and yet, I’m feeling downcast.

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Now, I know that in my past blogs, I said that I will definitely do anything so I could get her in to my life, and have her stay there as long as I live… but at this point, I don’t think I can do that… I don’t have it in me to pull all the stops to make it happen, that even if I try and she decides to choose me, I know that I don’t have it in my heart and mind to let myself be happy at the expense of others. I wanted to prove her that I really want us to be together and that I will make it work this time, but how can I prove it if she already has someone else? I could try to wait, again… but until when?

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I guess for me, life sucks until I eventually die… that I’m aboard a downward-spiral blitz of spitefulness towards my being, until the time that I yearn no more of anything…